There is no way to sugar coat it.
Losing someone you love is horrific.
A parent.
A child.
A spouse.
The love of your life.
The death of a loved one and the subsequent grief which accompanies it, can make a person question their faith, sanity, everything they knew or once believed to be true.
Death and grief take all that and toss it up into the air like a big tossed salad.
How it lands?
That’s a personal problem.
But it’s not just loss through death that causes problems during the holiday season.
There are other ways loss can bring on grief, said Anne Koenig, a licensed therapist who moderates a weekly grief support group at the Church of the Incarnation in Highlands.
“Separation, divorce, having to put a parent into an assisted living center,” she said. “There is a loss experienced in these ways as well, where the person you love is no longer there.”
Koenig is hosting group support sessions on selected Thursdays throughout the holidays at the Episcopal Church of the Incarnation. The sessions are free of charge and open to anyone experiencing the grief of loss.
The holiday season started this month and for many dealing with such an intimate loss, from the beginning of November through the New Year can be a grueling time of year.
Group attendees are husbands, wives, children, and parents, Koenig said.
The important thing to get across is the message of what someone experiencing grief endures on a daily basis that people don’t know about unless they’ve been through it, Koenig said
“It hits from out of the blue,” she said. “It often comes from out of nowhere, or it happens over a longer period of time. It is not always death that causes grief. It’s separation, such as putting your parents in an assisted living center, divorce… grief takes on many faces.”
What they want most in the world, they can never have, which is the return of their loved one.
“Grief is often the elephant in the room,” Koenig said. “There are no right or wrong answers as to how we deal with it, nor are any of the answers easy.”
Those suffering from grief will never move on, as many friends and family members suggest.
“They move forward.”
Grief is different for everybody, she said, and it does prove helpful to be in the company of others experiencing their own grief.
“Grief is like a snowflake and no two snowflakes are alike,” Koenig said. “No two situations are the same and no two people experience grief, or deal with their grief the same way.”
Some days are less harrowing than others.
But no day is ever easy.
Koenig, said the challenges for a person experiencing grief during the holidays season can become increasingly difficult.
The goal is to get through.
“Setting healthy boundaries is especially important during the holidays,” she said. “Well-meaning family or friends who suggest it’s time you move on from your sadness don’t understand the process of grieving. You can pick and choose to join, or not join, holiday activities. If putting up a tree this year is too painful, then don’t.”
Koenig calls living life one day at a time for those processing grief of a loved one’s loss an act of courage.
Koenig noted it is important to narrow your vision on what you can control during this time of year.
“While you have no control over the on-going holiday music you can turn off the radio,” she said. “If you feel overwhelmed shopping at the mall, shop online. You wouldn’t want to stop other people from decorating even if you could, but not decorating your home is certainly an option.”
The Church of the Incarnation offers a Grief Support Group on Thursdays from 4 p.m. to 5:15 p.m. for the holidays. Group dates are Dec. 5, 12, and 19 and Jan. 2. These groups are offered at no cost as a service to the Highlands community. For more information and registration please call the church office at 828-526-2968, or Anne Koenig at 404-357-0728.
